I want to understand emotion
673 days ago
20/10/2012.


 

Its hard to fall in love, when the circumstance seems hard. Its hard because everything you do, they follow your thoughts and you can not not think about them to when it becomes frustrating because they can not be around all the time, you miss them so much when you don't see them, and when you spend a small amount of time with them it fills that hole that you leave bear when you face the world. I stopped believing in love, since i was younger, and left it well alone, and now it is being recalled. Its too hard to bear, yet is the most worthwhile experience possible, you need it but it hurts when you cant have it, even when you have been told that they feel exactly what you feel. You are in no mans land, you have walked into danger, and in order to feel safe you need to come together with this person.
When you can just think of the beauty in every respect, and the thoughts that manufacture in your head, you want it more, and you feel more lonely than ever because you know they feel for you but you cannot always see them due to circumstance, when they leave the country your heart breaks and you feel lost, worse off than even knowing, you find you want them more and more, because the tie has been made, yet its not yet complete, even work becomes irrelevant,
i know what love feels like, as much as i have ran from the word, or feeling, i cant deny it, i cant imagine anyone else, that could fill that gap, not in a sense that i want company but someone jumps into your life and it feels complete, and you know this before you realize. The thought of the person leaving makes you feel sadder than the sun that rises with a frown.

The corridor, the long corridor, that enters another room, from room to room, we meet in the corridor but never in the rooms, not until we reach the room through time.

The light was beautiful, as 9 o clock entered the window, it flooded illuminating the green door, with inspiration on the walls, the perfect blend of black and white and green. Holding so tightly, feeling like it could last forever, just that moment in the corridor drifting toward the far end room as reality strikes its saddening blow. But it is only felt for a short while, because the situation is so beautiful, I smile instead of dwell.
I get the feeling that the corridor can play a crucial part in the progression of us as humans, and the chance clashes of desire srike when you never imagine it would. Life runs away with it, hoping the clock can be taken back or to fast forward. It is beautiful in every sense.
Out look changes, you feel different, not wrapped up in the burden of the world but entwined in the beauty that has shined onto you in some way, that sun that shines even when the cloud insists on making appearances, the feeling becomes a curtain, a shield from those mentalities that can consume us as we walk through. You feel protected, as if your heart is a shield, yet when it is not worn, its in limbo on the shelf until it is picked up again, when the meeting occurs. We become like children, where life doesn't matter, responsibility becomes an obstruction, yet needs to be recognised. You cannot ignore by being intoxicated with loves vision, or your new glasses that have been given to you, the shades of positivity, enlightening your out look on life, in everything you do, that inspire you to achieve things that make you cry with pride, you could say. Its an emoziona experience.
I was walking from the shop with the wine, and felt sad, very, to the point where you cry, as my heart had been on the shelf, when the situation became too hard to bear, yet, you feel something so strong, that every ounce of yourself feels this, from your ears when they connect and your head slots into her shoulder as she grabs your hand tighter, as you kiss her neck, leading near her mouth. A wall that no one wants jumps in, charm can break the wall, and magic then occurs when that small window of weakness opens, the be closed instantly, yet you feel so much in the split second, a sensation of remarkabaility. The kinds of things you see in films that you wish you could experience, they become true.
The weakness of conflict.
The swaying of two minds, two states, two rooms made possible through the corridor. I finally know what her eyes are saying. What her mind might be thinking, what she may be feeling, there is no competitions, no way to out do each other, such  a raw interest, curiosity. I hope you can feel from my words, because this feeling is rare. Conflict, had never been carried out so beautifully, so fluently, so naturally. You close your eyes, and a sea of feeling sweeps you through the corridor once more, the ride you wish would last forever, as you are small you have the feeling of wanting something to last forever, yet as you get older, they feeling goes, and when you do feel, you feel it, and you go back to that water slide. When you don't want it to stop, and you know it will never.
You can eat all the bacon and egg sandwiches you wish.
Talks of travel, plans for plans, for plans. Makes it hard to view women the same, i wonder if every woman is like this, i wonder if they all have this ability to make someone feel this way. Just requires
I wish i could have captured that moment, those eyes. I'm not sure if that could be described. I don't wish it to be described, it should be felt.
Crash of the knives and forks
Nothing needs to be said, silence is pleasant, we are both feeling content.

We are speaking without speaking, communicating through expression and magnets.
I think i enjoy writing on the same level as taking photographs, which is an odd notion. I want to experience, through feeling, music is incredibly clever, it can capture feeling, mood through the creative use of rhythm.
I like her baggy jeans
The idea you can communicate without communicating is interesting, expression playing an interesting part, I have sat here nearing an hour now, and things are unraveling.

Today
Today
Today
It was found.
She smiled
I smiled
The music played
Water ran
Hands cleaned
Pot away
Rubbish dispensed
Again
As the music speeds up
The process speeds
Heart races

This is just the kitchen
Clamber, water, click, shuffle, clank, shuffle, clank, slide, clip, clank, bonk, shuffle, water (minor), rustle, slide, clink, click, silence, shuffle
These words echo actions in the kitchen, as i document without the use of visuals.
Today is a free day, nothing to do, which is nice, for bianca it is a busy day, i feel i should help but i am helping, i was told. As she cleans the cupboards. I wonder if there are rules about writing mundane activities, or it is deemed as bad writing to do so, to write from your head, as thoughts enter. This chapter is sporadic yet so is life, so everything is all right.
I sit here, content with the happenings with the company, I have been snuck up on by a lion, with the neck shorter than a giraffe. The rarest lion that could be around. The most special lion, with the heart of a panda of some sort, as her smile turns up her nose and her eyes smile, wondering what chemistry is happening up top, what thoughts roam around, the lucid nature of the feelings we share.
That is all i can write i feel, my head cannot take too much thought, i must enjoy now, not think, but know.

I will never understand emotion
588 days ago
13/1/13.